Crazy, it’s the new year! I’ve promised myself none of that “New Year, New Me” bullshit. Not that I ever subscribed to it in the first place, but I mean it for sure this year.
I’ve already named this year too. Wanna hear it? “Whatever it looks like.”
Yeah, each year I try to set an intention for the year. The running record is as follows:
- 2021 – Year of Yes. Yes, just like Shonda Rhimes book and miss mamas had me stressed all 2021. I may have done it wrong though.
- 2022 – Year of Hell NO!!!! Because 2021 sent me through it. It was almost abusive.
- 2023 – Pushing my boundaries. Yeah, didn’t think that through either.
- 2024 – All Gas
For the last 4 years I abused myself mentally, emotionally, and physically.
2021 I was so hyper focused on everyone’s opinion of me.
2022 I was trying to regain my sense of self because 2021 really did me in.
2023 I wanted to accept some lessons learned in 2021 and 2022, but I pushed those boundaries so far, I walked into people pleasing hard.
2024 – All Gas? Lol, I ran out of gas so quick. I’m lying. I drove myself into a wall trying to be everything for everybody. Going along to get along. Finally, I crashed physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I battled alcohol dependency just to exist and depression/anxiety just trying to cope. I lost people I knew God was going to always remove and begged for love that never belonged to me in the first place.
I have been grasping at straws since I could remember and rebelled against any notion that God could provide a way.
& please don’t let the self-awareness fool you — I am still working towards a relationship with God. But, I will be honest his version of love always feels scary to me. I am so conditioned to the devil I know that hurt, fear, and pain feel safer. For now, that’s my cross to bear and I am working on it.
Lol, look at me doubling down as if y’all are going to judge me.
This year I am working on not having any expectations for anyone but myself because I realize I have let me down a lot. I invested in everyone whose name isn’t AJ and at the end of the day I had nothing to show for it.
With that said I am loving on me.
I am choosing me & if the selection process rules some people out so be it.
Being strict with what you allow is a flex.
Love,